Black Diaries

47. Flashback Fire

Have you ever considered how lucky peanut butter is? I haven't. Or at least I hadn't until now. But it suddenly dawned on me: peanut butter was one lucky son of a bean bush! It always ends up in sandwiches.

The next few weeks turned out to be some of the most interesting weeks of my life. I admit, before I hadn't really seen the attraction of monster trucks, but now I often accompanied the boys on their retreats to the race track. And while I mostly left the cars to them, I joined them a lot in playing with the tools—especially the big ones.

"You're so good for him!" Mrs. Winslow told me one day, her grandmotherly eyes shining. "I've never known anyone before he liked enough to let them come up there with him, apart from Zack! How did you manage it?"

"Well... let's just say I fit in well there."

"Do you think I could come up there some time too?" Mrs. Winslow asked hopefully. "He always looks so happy when he comes back from the race track. I'd really like to see what he gets up to up there."

I nearly choked on my coffee. "I... I don't think that would be such a good idea."

Weeks passed, and I was content—in a way. I was certainly satisfied! Oh boy, was I satisfied! I had never been so supermegaubersatisfied in my entire life! But was I really, completely happy?

Being with Elliot had made me realize that I still wanted to be loved, and how it felt to have that, compared to not having it. Playing peanut butter with Zack and Elliot was fun—but I still longed for more.

One day, I made the mistake of mentioning this to Zack.

"More?" His eyebrows shot up in mock horror. "Two of us are not enough for you, you greedy little girl? You want a third man to worship you?"

I felt my face flame. "You know perfectly well that's not what I meant! I—"

"Well, that's easily enough fixed," he continued. Grinning, he fished his cell phone out of his pocket. "I know this guy from Brooklyn who would be only too happy to—"

I slapped the phone out of his hand.

Zack, the loveable asshead, had gotten it completely wrong, of course. When I said I want more, I meant...

Well, I didn't exactly know what I meant, but it definitely wasn't a third guy to fornicate with! I wanted, no, needed something deep. Emotional. Something that touched my heart. Just fooling around was nice, in a way, but I felt spread thin, like... like peanut butter on too much bread.

Finally, it dawned on me that it was time for me to move on. When I told the boys, both of them protested vehemently.

"Can't you stay here and marry us both?" Elliot suggested.

I laughed. "I wonder what your grandparents would say to that!"

"Well, we don't have to tell them about both marriages," Zack pointed out. He stepped towards me. Elliot came up beside him, and they both towered around me, two tight, hard towers of muscle, thrumming with energy. I felt my mouth go dry. Maybe I could stay for just one more night...

No, Cassy! Do the noble thing! The right thing. You know this isn't what you want.

Really? Because below the waistline, it felt like I did. Really.

The important part of you doesn't want it: your heart.

True! Damn!

"No, thanks, guys," I managed, shaking my head. "It's been a really great time with you, but I'm looking to have one love of my life. Two would be a bit much, I think."