throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

ten

I don't wanna be lonely no more

I sat on the floor of my room, back against my bed and blared music through a small portable speaker. It had been two days since I had last turned my phone on and I was hiding out in a shitty motel.

I had left Sarah's house at like four in the morning and left her a note saying I was sick. I snuck home and grabbed some clothes and then walked to a small motel on the cut, somewhere not even locals stayed unless they were doing drugs or cheating on their spouse. I hadn't left the room since I got here and I hadn't eaten since the brownies we'd made.

I was bored out of my mind but I was too scared to turn on my phone and face all the issues that were waiting for me.

I turned off the speaker and climbed into the hard, springy bed. I pulled my blanket up around my chin. I just wanted to sleep forever.

I just kept thinking about my phone. I wanted to know if Topper had texted me. I wanted to know if Rafe had texted me. But I was too scared to face reality. I was too scared to lose Rafe, to lose Topper. I was too scared to be alone.

I stared at my phone. It was just sitting there on the nightstand, taunting me.

I bit my lip. I can just look. I don't have to respond or let anyone know I saw anything.

I grabbed my phone and turned it on. I watched notification after notification roll through. A couple calls and texts from Rafe. I could only read the first couple sentences of his texts without opening them, but I listened to his voicemails. They were full of apologies and promises that he didn't mean. He was definitely drunk or high or both in each and every one.

It was every thing I had always wanted to hear so why couldn't I accept it? Why wasn't I happy to hear these things? Why couldn't I just let him love me?

I cleared all of Rafe's notifications and then read through Topper's. There were three times as many messages from Topper. I listened to a couple voicemails, they were all short and sweet. Just 'call me back,' or 'I'm worried about you.'

I looked through the messages, reading whatever it would show me in the preview. One message caught my eye, it started with 'I can't sleep without you.' I held my breath as I read and re read that message over and over. I felt my stomach turn as I imagined my last night with Topper. I hadn't really slept since then. And I missed him.

I closed my eyes and tried to hold onto that memory, hoping it would calm my anxiety and give me the peace to sleep at least for an hour.

That day felt so distant, so unreal. I opened my eyes and glanced at my screen, eager to read the next message. My heart stopped as I my eyes focused on the screen and I realized that I opened the thread.

I clicked out of the messages and tried to turn read receipts off, but when I went back into the thread it still showed 'read.'

I sat up, my heart racing and my ears ringing. Before I even had a chance to think Topper was calling me.

I held my head in my hands, "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!"

I cleared my throat and hit accept, "Hello?"

I heard Topper let out a side of relief on the other end, "Thank god. Do you know how worried I've been? Are you okay?"