throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

thirty-three

i can't tell what's real

I pushed through the crowd of students pouring into the building that I was trying to get out of. My eyes scanned over the name brand polos and tshirts of the boys and the crop tops and lacy tanks of the girls. I was suffocated by the scent of gel, hairspray, and high end perfume and cologne.

Freshmen.

I rolled my eyes and kept charging through the crowd until I was able to slip out of the heavy double doors. I squinted as my eyes adjusted to the bright rays of sun that bathed everything in a golden glow. I watched as groups of people turned into swarms, pushing through the doors to the library and the academic buildings.

It's the same thing every year, especially with the freshmen. The first month of school they make sure not to leave their room without having the trendiest outfit or the perfect hair. They all refuse to take morning classes because their top priority is drinking the night away and they need time to recover from their hangover. They arrive to class 15 minutes early to make a good impression and they make sure to put their hours in at the library even though they don't really have homework yet.

After the first month of school, there are sweatpants and leggings and oversized shirts everywhere. The crowds dwindle down to small groups as skipping class becomes the norm. Suddenly 11 or 12 is too early for class and thoughts of "we're not really doing anything today" take over. The library is empty except for those who actually care about their education.

I can't wait for the second month of school.

I take all morning classes because the class sizes are smaller and I like to get everything out of the way in the morning so I can spend the rest of my day doing whatever I want. It has nothing to do with the fact that Rafe isn't alive before 2:00 PM.

I'm able to go to class, stop by the dining hall for lunch, and hit the gym before the crowds take over. I can relax at home and get my homework done before dinner so I can spend my nights with Topper. It has nothing to do with the fact that Rafe will be in class until 7 or even 9 some days. Or that I won't be forced into doing his work for him.

I skipped down the steps, trying to shut off the anxiety that threatened to take over me. It's not your problem if he fails his classes. I honestly didn't think that he had retained any information from any class he had ever taken. I got him through middle school, high school, and college so far. I wrote every paper, filled out every study guide, and let him copy every test. He was my partner for every project where all he did was read off the index card I wrote out.

I guess that's why he was so good at acting.

"Sienna! Come get lunch with me."

I blinked away tears and shook the nerves out of my body before turning to face Maggie, my best college friend. I didn't have many, between the amount of homework I had between mine and Rafe's and spending my remaining free time chasing him around I didn't have time for myself let alone any other friends. Maggie, though, she never gave up on me.

I adjusted the strap of my backpack and shifted my weight to my left foot, "But I live off campus to avoid the dining hall."

Maggie hooked her arm through mine, "Come on. You owe me for ghosting me all summer."

I let her pull me along the sidewalk towards the dining hall, my stomach rumbling as I thought about my guilty pleasure meal. Mini corn dogs, ultra greasy french fries, and chicken tenders with ranch. The best hangover cure, study meal, or anxiety binge. But it's only good if it comes directly from the dining hall.

I sit across from Maggie with my platter of food and Diet Coke, watching as she tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. She hurriedly chewed the first bite of her cheese and mushroom pizza, "So, update me. How is operation Rafe?"

"Funny story.  That's why I've been... absent," I broke a french fry in half and popped it into my mouth.

"Spill," she bit into a mozzarella stick and raised her brow.

I wiped my hands on a napkin and laced my fingers together, "Well, I realized he wasn't who I thought he was. I deserved better. I deserved someone who loved me and cared about me, not what they could get from me."

Maggie reached across the table and took my hand in hers, her blue eyes shining with tears, "I am so happy that you finally realize that. You are capable of so much more and deserve so much more than he could ever be or ever give you. Also, selfishly, I'm looking forward to spending more time with you. We can be each others wing women and find guys hotter and nicer than him."

"About that..."

"Oh no, what?"

I slowly pulled my hand out of hers, "I found out that that better man is Topper."

Maggie choked on her lemonade and then grabbed a napkin to wipe her mouth, "I'm sorry, I don't think I caught the ending there."

"I know. We used to hate each other but we realized we were actually pretty in love with each other."

Maggie nodded her head as she chewed, "Okay, fuck Rafe and love Topper, got it. Does this mean you're gonna flake on me all the time again?"

"No, I promise I'll be a better friend. Topper doesn't get mad at me for having plans or inviting you to hang with us."

Maggie beamed at me, "Good! I'll actually have my friend back. There are so many things I want to do!"

I ate my food as she rattled on about bars and games and school events that we had to attend and I couldn't help but smile. I had a real friend that wanted to hangout with me and initiated plans with me.

It was exhilarating to see how quickly my life was improving after cutting the cancer of Rafe out of me.

I felt lighter.

I could be better, no, I was better without him. I didn't need him, or anyone, when I had myself.