throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

twenty-nine

TW: MENTIONS OF DRUG USE

my love is yours if you're willing to take it

Topper waited until we heard the front door close and then he snuck out of my room and back into his.

I settled into the pillow he had been laying on, breathing in his scent as I tried to calm myself. He was going to talk to Rafe and I wasn't ready for the explosion. I wasn't ready for Rafe to lose it, to get violent. And I wasn't ready to lose my best friend, or for the guilt of making Topper lose his best friend. Topper chose me over Rafe and it made me sick. It made me sick that he had to choose. It made me sick that I got between them.

It was always supposed to be me and Rafe but now it's me and Topper and it feels so right. It feels exactly how I longed for it to feel with Rafe but it isn't forced, it's so natural.

I held onto this hope that Rafe would be okay with it. I hoped he'd at least stay Topper's best friend and just pretend I never existed. I hoped he'd realize that he and I were never right, we were always meant to be just friends and we could go back to the way it was when I was his best friend and he was fucking a different girl every night. But I knew deep down that he was used to being the best and getting whatever he wanted and he wouldn't, couldn't handle 'losing.'

He couldn't let someone have something he didn't. Something he couldn't.

I picked up my phone and sent Topper a quick text, 'You talk to him yet?'

Topper replied almost immediately, 'I asked him to meet up. I'm meeting him for wings and beer in 20.'

I tried to hold back the flurry of negativity and anxiety but they built up, stacking on top of each other until they spilled over the barrier I had tried to construct.

I wiped a stray tear off of my cheek and took in a few shaky breaths. What if Topper realizes I'm not worth it? What if they both leave me?

I was selfish.

I wanted them both.

My boyfriend and my best friend.

The hours ticked by painfully slowly as I waited for any news from either of them. I had expected a 'fuck you' from Rafe, an 'it didn't go well' from Topper, or even an 'it's over.'

But there was nothing.

I rolled over in my bed and closed my eyes as tight as I could, willing myself to fall asleep. It was my only escape from reality. If I could just drift off to sleep I would wake up to Topper and I wouldn't have to endure all of these conflicting emotions.

I pushed every thought out of my head and sighed in relief as I focused on the blank, dark canvas of my mind. I was empty and still for the first time in months. I could turn it all off and shut down completely but I couldn't tell if it was good or bad.

Was I at peace or my breaking point?

Three short, loud raps on my door woke me from a dreamless sleep. I don't know when I fell asleep or how long I slept for but I felt worse than before. My eyes and throat were dry and I felt so disoriented. I didn't know what time it was and my head was pounding.