throwing rocks at your window // Topper Thornton

twenty-two

you're too much

I tiptoed to the window and stared out at the waves that rolled across the shoreline. I turned the volume down on my phone and then held it to my ear, "Hi, mom."

"Hey, honey. How are you? How's Rafe?"

I felt my body relax as my mothers smooth voice fell across my ears. I glanced over at the bed, making sure Rafe was still sleeping, "He's okay. We just got a hotel on the mainland. He's refusing to come home, even to our house."

"You have to come back sometime."

I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to steady my emotions. I glanced over at Rafe again and kept my voice as low as possible, "I know that. I just... I don't know how to help him."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

I ran my hand through my hair, "He won't talk to me, about any of it. He just wants to keep 'getting his mind off of it' and pretends that he can't hear me when I try."

My mother sighed and I could hear her trying to choke back tears, "Oh, honey..."

Tears pricked my own eyes but I tried to hold it back, "Sometimes I get worried, like I can't fix him. Or like he doesn't want any help, he just wants to ignore everything. And I just get worried, like if we had a kid..." I cleared my throat, "But then I remember how he was when we were little. He was so sweet. Bringing me flowers or my favorite snack to school just to see me smile. He'd play all my favorite games and he was nice to me when nobody else was. He was just always funny and sweet and carefree. He was light and full of love and hope. Everything he said and did was just so, so positive. I know his dad has always beaten him down and has dimmed his light... It's like he did a complete 180 and I just really believe he can be that person again, the person I know he is deep down."

I heard my mom choke back a sob, "Oh, Sienna..."

I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt, "I know, you always said to remember my worth but I really-"

"Sienna, that wasn't Rafe that did those things. He's the way he's always been, spoiled and sulking and refusing to deal with any of his issues. He can only blame so much on his dad. He's an adult now, he could get help. He could work on himself. Instead he thrives on it and uses it to excuse all of his behavior and I'm tired of watching him hurt you over and over again."

My mothers words hit me like a truck and I felt myself tense, "But you always said you wanted us to get married."

"No, Ward said that. Your dad said that, I want more than that for you. It's not all about work and money and 'merging assets.' I want you to be happy."

I shook my head and tried to bite back the sob that was trying to break free, "But I remember-"

"Sienna, that was Topper that did all those things. I always said I wouldn't interfere but it was Topper. You guys were best friends and when you got a little older, Rafe started to get jealous and he drove you apart. Rafe never did anything nice or sweet for you. He gave you just enough to keep you hanging around and it was painful to watch but I didn't feel it was right to interfere."

Bile rose in the back of my throat and I felt dizzy, "But when I would bring those memories up to Rafe he always finished the story or mentioned those memories himself. Sometimes I would even have a vague memory thinking it was someone else and he'd fill in the details and told me it was him. How would he know all of it? Why would he lie?"

"He always watched you guys so that's probably how he knew. He didn't want Topper to have what he considered his so he drove a wedge and then took credit. I guess he told you enough, enough times until your memories changed. You loved him so of course you trusted him. I have a whole scrapbook of you and Topper I can show you if you don't believe me. But the Rafe you love, the one you're holding onto hoping he'll become again, that's Topper."

So many conflicting thoughts and emotions rushed through me. My head was spinning and I felt like I was gonna be sick.

Rafe never wanted me. He just saw Topper getting close to me again. I was never enough. As soon as he knew Topper was letting go he would leave me again. Why didn't I just follow my gut and tell Topper how I felt? How could I be so stupid? How could my own memories be so wrong?

I heard the rustle of sheets and turned to see Rafe sitting up in bed, "Sienna? Come back to bed."