Right Now | Rafe Cameron

11: cis-male anxiety.

ELEVEN

cis-male anxiety.

"What are we going to do when Sarah and John B come visit?" Billie asked apprehensively. She'd been avoiding the question but it seemed inevitable.

After Billie had had some decent coffee and eaten about a dozen blueberry pancakes, she felt strong enough to tackle the trainwreck of a situation she felt coming.

"John B is gonna freak with.." she gesticulated between them but realised she had no idea what words could describe what was happening. She blushed a little for assuming that Rafe would know what she meant. He let out a sharp breath through his nostrils and bit his inner cheek.

"I mean, he panicked just by the possibility of us being at the same party." Billie leaned back.

"He might have a point," Rafe said blatantly. Billie raised her eyebrows.

"I suppose," Billie replied and leaned back. Of course John B had a point. This could not end in any other way than in a train wreck.

"Was he okay with you being with that idiot at the party?" Rafe didn't look at her but kept his eyes peeled on his plate. Sam. Billie had forgotten about that strange moment from last night. The obscurity of Rafe and Sam being in the same room made it feel more like a fever dream than anything else. If Rafe hadn't brought it up she might just have discarded it as fiction made up by her anxiety-ridden sleep-deprived brain - confusing past and present and more recent past.

"John B never met Sam," Billie responded and realised how weird it was that she'd kept that relationship a secret from her friends back home. Thinking back, it made sense. She knew they wouldn't like him. She wasn't sure she ever did.

"No shit," Rafe muttered. "I've never seen anyone talk to you like that."

"I was a different person when we were together. He made me different, smaller," Billie cleared her throat. It was difficult to talk about, yet somehow with Rafe, she talked anyway. She caught herself and went silent. She held anger and resentment, not just towards Sam but to herself as well, that she made him think he could treat her like she was inferior to him. Rafe looked at her with a clenched jaw - thinking about that guy grabbing Billie like he owned her made him instinctively tense his whole body as if it was readying for impact.

They were silent for a while.

"Are you gonna kiss me again?" Billie asked and looked straight at Rafe, who was taken aback by her forwardness. She blushed slightly as a warmth spread in her gut.

"You kissed me," he said once he'd gotten over his initial shock.

"Did not. That would've been unprofessional of me," Billie smirked. Rafe just looked at her and rolled his eyes but smiled gently as he looked down. Cute. Shut up, Billie.

"So?" Billie asked.

"So what?"

"What now? I'm fed now. What are we going to do with the day?" She held her breath at her bluntness.

Rafe chuckled and looked at his watch. Billie's stomach tensed. Oh god, what if he's got more important things to do than to hang out with me? Oh shut up Billie, it's Rafe. It's whatever what he thinks of you. Shit.

"My friend has a bookshop around the corner, I promised I would say hello once I was in the city," Rafe said and narrowed his eyes at me. "Want to check it out?"

Billie stood up eagerly. Rafe looked taken aback.

"What? I'm a journalist, I studied English Lit, I like books," she shook her head and he nodded his head with a smile as he took a few bills out of his wallet and left them on the table.