Right Now | Rafe Cameron

15: i'm a mess.

FIFTEEN

i'm a mess.

Billie woke up with a raving pounding in her head, like thick drums echoed through her scull. She sat up and squinted her eyes through the morning light streaming in the window. She was in her bedroom but she couldn't remember how she got home. She looked at her phone. It was on charge on her bedside table, next to a glass of water and some tablets of aspirin.

As if someone had shattered a glass, the drunkenness dropped like a veil from Billie's eyes. What have I done?

She peeled herself up from the bed, stumbling to the door and went out into the kitchen. How much could she remember? She had texted Rafe, that's why he'd shown up. She opened her phone and looked through her text messages.

Rafe

Please come here

Help

She'd been off her tits on tequila and Rafe had thought she was hurt. That's why he looked her over the way he did when he arrived. Oh god.

"Morning," Sarah said from the living room sofa. She gave Billie a gentle smile and gestured for her to join her.

"Hi," Billie said carefully and sat down.

"How are you feeling?" Sarah asked, ignoring the elephant in the room.

"Slight headache," Billie said sarcastically and Sarah smiled understandingly. There were quiet for a while. "So is John B up or?" she said awkwardly and glanced at the door to Uma's bedroom.

"He's still asleep. We had to drag him out the bar door last night." Sarah chuckled at the memory. "He had a great birthday."

"I'm glad..." Billie smiled at the thought of her brother being happy. She wished she remembered more of it. A solemn look fell over her face.

"Look..." Sarah started. "We don't have to talk about it. But make sure you know what you're doing." Billie gulped as she thought of what to say.

"I feel so confused. He's not who he used to be, like at all," Billie said quietly and Sarah nodded. "But I know it's complicated. He's hurt so many people."

"I know it's hard. I've worked so hard to forgive him. God knows he's worked harder to forgive himself. He still hasn't." Sarah gave Billie a pained look as she spoke. "But you can't ignore your past Billie. You've been living in your New York bubble for a long time but for your sake, and for his sake, you need to burst it and deal with what's happening."

"I'm a mess." Billie put her head in her hands. "I get blackout drunk, do stupid things, and then people have to take care of me. Or I have evil ex boyfriends harassing me and I need to get saved from them and I'm behind at work, and..." she was starting to hyperventilate. Sarah rushed over to run her hand across Billie's back.

"See what I mean? I can't go one day without someone having to take care of me," Billie laughed through her tears. "It's ridiculous."

"Oh shut up, Billie. People do that because they care about you. Rafe literally told me last night that he just wants you to be safe. It was actually quite endearing, annoying as he is."

"What?" Billie hitched her breath and tingling warmth slowly spread in her gut.

"Yeah yuck. Seeing your face as I said that just now I don't want to be in the middle of that," Sarah stuck her tongue out and shivered. "Felt yucky coming out of my mouth just then." They both laughed at the weird situation. Billie sighed and leaned her head back on the back of the sofa and Sarah let her head rest on Billie's shoulder. They sat there for a while in silence. Everything was so messed up, but at least they had each other.

***

Once again, Rafe had zoned out. Billie had texted him in the middle of drinks with company representatives. Naturally, he had dropped everything and gone to the bar Percy told him they were going to. It wasn't something he had thought about. There were no consequences flashing in his mind, just the fact that she'd asked him to come and what the reason could be. She'd asked him for help. For all he knew anything could've happened.

"I have to leave," Rafe had said and stood up, still staring into his phone.

"Rafe?" Walter gestured to the suited men around the table. Rafe didn't explain himself. Behind him, he heard Walter make up an excuse for him. He didn't care, he was already out the door.

"I'm so sorry, gentlemen... Urgent business."

"Billie pick up your fucking phone," Rafe exhaled, phone pressed up against his ear as he hurried down the street. Sam could've found her. Or someone could've hurt her, spiked her drink or worse.

***

Half an hour later, Rafe was in a taxi to Billie's apartment. She was leaning on his shoulder, sleeping, peaceful. It had all been a drunken whim to text him of course. She'd gone insane for a hot minute. In the silent car, Rafe confronted himself with how he'd acted. Who is she? What kind of power does she have over me?

The sponsors, the fucking benefactors of the company. He'd had them right where he wanted them and then he ran away. Because she needed him. A year ago, if Billie Routledge had gotten in touch with him he would have ignored it, he would have brushed it off as a weird Pogue joke to see where the freak ended up after he lost the fight.

Fuck all this. What's happening to me? I'm not nice. She looks at me like I'm treating her fairly, like I'm gentle and kind. I would say "if only you knew who I was" like when girls approach me out but she knows. Billie knows everything. She's ignoring it like she ignores her brother and her old friends. And she's a mess because of it. I'm a mess because of it. Fuck.

***

He'd fallen asleep in front of the computer working. He was fucking exhausted from everything on his mind. She was such a fucking mess. So was he. His brain said it wasn't a good combination but... his whole body just gravitated towards her. It was... chemical.

They hadn't talked. They both had too much pride. But he was going crazy living like this. He needed to know what was going on in her head. When it was just the two of them, it felt right. But then Sam, and Eric, and... She seemed to be fucking surrounded by men wanting her. He could swear that neighbour of hers was going to ask her out when they were going out for breakfast and then the idiot asked for an egg instead. Rafe scoffed out a laughter thinking about it and then rubbed his face with his palms in frustration. He picked up his phone and held its edge against his forehead while closing his eyes for a second.

"Man up, Rafe," he said to himself and then unlocked the screen.

Billie

Can I come over when they've gone?

He breathed out a controlled breath, thinking about breathing in a square. In, out, in, out.