RIPTIDE | Rafe Cameron

24. 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦

After our disagreement and then quick reconciliation over at Barry's, we made our way back to Tannyhill, making the most of the empty house in the most Sidney and Rafe way possible. Asking him to be open and talk to me about what's going on in his mind is never going to work, so if that means letting him find comfort in me, that's what we'll do.

We've been lying in Rafe's bed since we finished watching a movie with Wheezie after dinner. Ward got back half way through the meal, eating in silence before disappearing upstairs with Rose when his phone began ringing frantically.

"Can't you sleep?" Rafe whispers, tucking my hair behind my ear as we lie on our sides, facing each other.

"The cocaine was the only thing helping me sleep through the night," I mutter, "It stopped me from having all these dreams about the sheriff dying."

Rafe often wonders how much Sidney would hate him if she truly knew what he is capable of, and what he has already done. He hates that his actions are the cause of her nightmares. He hates that she also has to resort to the substance that controls him like a puppet on strings.

A selfless man would let her go, a selfless man would tell her the truth, a selfless man would hand himself in so his sister and her boyfriend could return home. But Rafe Cameron is no such thing, he is as selfish as they come, he's Ward Cameron's son after all, what are we to expect?

"I'd swap places with you in a heartbeat, you know that?" Rafe whispers, taking my hand in his.

"I don't think you'd want to see inside my head," I reply, staring back at him through the darkness.

"I want to know all of you, Sid," He assures me, "Even the bits you think I don't want to see."

"I've always had problems with anxiety since I was a kid," I begin to explain, feeling him trace the shape of a star on the palm of my hand repeatedly, letting me know that he's listening, "But when Maggie disappeared, it got so much worse. I'd have debilitating panic attacks, but I wouldn't tell anyone, until JJ worked it out."

"What did he do?" Rafe whispers, running his fingertip over my palm again, tracing the same star shape.

"He was my rock," I reminisce, feeling a tear escape my eye, "He held me for hours, until the anxiety attack stopped, and I think that's why it hurts so much knowing that he'll never be my best friend in the way he used to be."

"Have you had any of those anxiety attacks since what happened on the airstrip?" Rafe asks.

"Yeah," I nod, "That's why I started doing cocaine, because it blocked it out."

"You know that the drugs won't stop the problem, they just help you to pretend it's not happening." Rafe tells me.

"Yeah, but I'd much rather play pretend than live with the truth of what's happening inside my head." I sigh, trying not to think about the last time I had a panic attack.

"Come here," Rafe whispers, lying on his back and pulling me towards him, letting me rest my head on his chest as he runs a hand over my hair, "I'm never going to let anything hurt you."

I trust Rafe, and I know everyone thinks I'm stupid for trusting him, but I really do trust him. Maybe that makes me a fool, but the way he makes me feel, physically and emotionally, is incomparable to anything I've felt before. 

As I lay on his chest I feel his once erratic heartbeat begin to steady, providing me with comfort. He's not a bad man, he can't be, he just despises the people I once called my best friends, and I think the longstanding Pogues versus Kooks war is at the centre of all these problems. Slowly I've just had to come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever be the way it was.